Oxthink

From a very early age, right through their development, children have to learn certain behaviours. It may be for their own safety and well-being, or for the safety of others; it may be about how they respect and behave toward other people; it may be about the rules of society.

Children have to learn to behave properly and to understand the difference between what is right and what is wrong, and between what they can do and what they cannot do.

Over the last few decades, the way these learnings have tended to occur has changed.

Previously, children were generally told what to do – this is the behaviour expected of you, and this is how you will behave. Parents would shout at their children; threats would be issued if the desired behaviour did not occur, and an array of sanctions and chastisements would be used.

However, more recently, there has been a shift in the way parents seek to control their children. Many parents now seek to reason with their children rather than to order them to behave in a certain way. Discipline and good behaviour are now seen as something to be taught rather than something to be prescribed. Children should see the wisdom of “proper behaviour” for themselves rather than have it simply imposed upon them.

Using such an approach, parents will try to treat a child as if that child were equal to themselves, as if the child were a mini-adult. They will reason with them; they will try to be logical; they will try to talk through issues; they will try to arrive at mutually agreeable compromises.

This is because learning through reason is considered a preferable mode of learning. Not only can it be more effective, but parents recognise that training children in the use of reason stands children in good stead – they are sure to benefit by seeing it in action; by learning how it works; by practising it themselves.

It will also quite often be left up to the child, through their adoptive behaviours, to determine the extent to which reason prevails. The more a child listens to reason, the more reasoned a parent will tend to be.

Even when parents want to issue a command to their child, they now adopt a more respectful, polite tone. There is a subtlety to how parental authority has changed. Previously, when addressing their child, a parent would instruct them:

“Put your shoes on.”

That has changed to something more like:

“Can you put your shoes on, please?”

It’s a request for action rather than a command. It is a much softer tone, much more indirect.

But does this focus on reasoning work? Is it as effective? Does it secure a child’s proper behaviour? Could it be why parents, according to some, are losing control of their children?

The potential issue with this method of learning is two-fold:

Firstly, regarding the quality of the resources used, any output is only as good as the input used. And in these circumstances, so much of a child’s understanding is dependent on the parent. Is that parent able to understand what and how a child thinks, and then reason with that child in language and logic that the child will understand?

It is certainly more complicated for a child to understand a reasoned argument than a straightforward instruction. It means that the quality and effectiveness of the child’s new learning experience will depend on the parent’s communication skills and reasoning abilities.

Regarding communication, some parents are not very good at expressing themselves. They may struggle with language or with complicated thoughts and sentences.

And of course, a parent’s reasoning and logic may itself be flawed. Parents are not always right. Their reasons for doing and saying things do not always make sense. Inevitably, it makes a child’s understanding less certain if a parent’s reasoning is poorly structured and ordered.

Perhaps it is for this reason that we can expect a child’s reasoning ability to only be as good as its parents’!

The second issue with this style of learning concerns poor timing. Parents do not always teach children what they need to know when they need to know it. Reasoned lessons can be ill-timed.

Lessons will only be learnt when a child is able and ready to learn. This is because a child must have the mental and emotional understanding to absorb a particular learning. All too often, parents will get ahead of themselves. They will try to teach a child about something that the child is simply not ready for.

One of the great skills of being a good parent is to know when a child is ready for a particular learning. If the child is too young, the lesson goes over their head and is wasted; too old, and the parent might be considered to have been holding the child back.

The closer the relationship between parent and child, the better the parent will be at recognising when a child is ready for a particular learning and how that lesson should be delivered most effectively.

Sometimes you will hear a parent try to reason with their child by using language and explanations that are clearly way above the child’s head. This discordant discussion is particularly noticeable when people who do not have a great deal of contact with a child – grandparents, distant parents – try to reason with them. These people will pitch their points either well above or well below the child’s mental and emotional position. It can then be torturous to watch a child try to make sense of it.

Many parental lessons are also often delivered when driven by events. In such circumstances, they do not necessarily make for the best and calmest of learning.

For example, a young boy skips along the pavement but accidentally steps into the road. A car has to swerve to avoid him. The boy’s parent, having seen what might have happened if the driver had not been alert, will not be in the best state of mind to deliver a reasoned lesson on road safety.

Reasoning with children falters not only because of these factors but also because not all children have the cognitive skills, emotional intelligence and understanding ability to engage in rational discussion. Sometimes they cannot be expected to understand and accept sophisticated reasoning; sometimes they will relate only to the simplest and most immediate arguments; sometimes children just have to be told what to do.

That is why most parents will try to pursue a mixed approach to parenting, with some assertion and some reason.

So – despite how much a parent may strive to reason with their child – a raised voice should never be seen as an indication of parental failure. It just means that other parenting methods are deemed to be more appropriate.