Oxthink

In a technological age, dating websites are a great resource for finding a prospective partner.

In many respects, they have become the primary means of entering into a new relationship. And, it has to be said, there are distinct advantages to using a dating site rather than some traditional meeting places, such as the local pub or nightclub. In the past, you were more often than not attracted to somebody by their looks; you then started chatting with them, perhaps asking them out as you sought to find out more about them to see if you had anything in common and to ascertain what sort of person they were.

And this only occurred if you were confident enough to approach someone new. How many relationships failed to materialise because a person was too shy, feared rejection, or worried about what others might say or think?

It was all very random, very hit-or-miss.

Dating sites offer greater choice, greater opportunity, and greater utility.

On a dating site, not only can you make dating approaches without others knowing, but by doing it online, you are distanced from any emotional turmoil and personal embarrassment. Rejection, nervousness, and self-consciousness become less of an issue.

Theoretically, dating websites are also a far more effective way to establish successful new relationships. There is some logic and application that goes into the match-making process.

That is because on a dating site, you have some basic information about a person. It isn’t a complete lottery as to whether or not you strike lucky. You do have something to go on – interests, hobbies, job role.

And then you have various filters available to you – ruling in or ruling out specific things. Do they already have children? Do they smoke? How far away do they live? How old are they?

You can narrow your target group to increase your chances of success. Not only that, but you can also be chatting up numerous potentials at the same time. These two increased factors – specificity and level of activity – mean success should be much more attainable.

The growth of online dating has been rapid. In 2019, 39% of heterosexual couples reported meeting their partner online compared to 22% in 2009 (Michael Rosenfeld, Stanford University). This trend is expected to continue, with it predicted to be up to 50% by the 2030s.

It seems that online dating is not only the accepted way to establish a relationship with a prospective partner, but is also increasingly seen as the best way to do so.

And yet there is a fundamental issue with online dating that, paradoxically, arises from its very strength… It’s too easy. By facilitating the process to the extent they have, dating organisations risk turning it into a game – Find Your Perfect Partner.

Being on a dating site can be like being in a sweet shop. All the goods are laid out in front of you. They’re there for you to choose. And so you make a selection. But then what?

You see so many other potential purchases, acquisitions that might well be preferable.

And so you are reluctant to commit to the single purchase. Always, at the back of your mind, is the thought that you might be able to do better. There might be a real gem out there that’s just waiting to be discovered.

Given how easy it is, it is so tempting to keep on looking, to keep playing the field.

Notably, dating agencies do not claim that they will find you a partner. They are much more ambitious than that. They promote themselves as being able to find you an ideal partner, someone who will help you create a perfect relationship.

In the old days, before dating sites, we’d settle earlier and then work on the relationship. Nowadays, we want to find perfection straight off. They’re out there; the technology makes them available; we just have to find them. We strive for the perfect partner when, in fact, they probably don’t exist. But the belief that they do is what will keep many of us looking.

There comes a point when you have to decide whether to stick or twist. It’s a gamble. Do you settle for what you have, or do you just try to push it a bit further and see if you can improve it? The reluctant gambler may audaciously and dangerously try to play a couple of hands at once.

A second possible consequence of the ease with which online dating can occur is that it may have made us much more relaxed about our relationships. If it doesn’t work out, we just give up on it and find somebody else. It’s become too easy to move on and find a new partner.

Traditionally, the best way to find a suitable partner has been the same as for choosing a financial advisor: go on someone’s recommendation. “You would be really good together.” Dating agencies believe they can fulfill that matchmaking process. Unfortunately, by simplifying the process and making it as user-friendly as they can, they have, for some people, turned it into too much of a game.